abuse Archives - Bye-Bye, Jerkface.

May 13, 2018May 13, 2018

Escaping abuse – moving on, looking back

My current (non-abusive) musician husband was struggling over new ways to be inspired. He asked to see my old poetry, and I said yes without much thought. So he got up on the step stool and unearthed my archives from the storage closets in our bedroom, and I thumbed through a folder from the years I was married to Jerkface.

I hadn’t read those poems in quite some time, and quickly remembered why. They were difficult to read. So full of pain and confusion. Through my decades-old writing, I could discern the timeline of that abusive relationship – from obsessive intoxication, to bewilderment and panic, and finally to the part where I had helped him nearly kill my spirit and my unique self. read more

January 15, 2018February 20, 2018

Being alone is better than being abused

So many movies are about finding love. So much marketing is about getting hitched. In our society, togetherness is celebrated so much more than being alone. So it’s no wonder that aloneness is seen as a temporary state that we hope to escape quickly on our way toward finding that special someone.

It’s true that sharing your life with someone special is indeed wonderful. But sharing your life with someone who isn’t wonderful is far worse than being alone.

When you’re with an abuser, you’re more alone in that relationship than you would ever be by yourself. read more

November 27, 2017February 20, 2018

Stop being nice to Jerkfaces

When you're dealing with a narcissist, you need to set aside your common decency. You need to forget everything you've learned about being a decent human, including that people deserve to understand where you're coming from and that they need to be treated with kindness.

March 14, 2017December 31, 2017

Can a job be a Jerkface?

When I found myself in a toxic work situation last year, I was surprised and ashamed. How could I have let it happen? Why didn't I see the signs?

December 20, 2016December 31, 2017

Is there life after Jerkface?

Most of the time I am a regular person with too much to do and too little time to do it and I forget that the way I feel now, the life I now live, was once a goal and a dream that seemed almost unattainable.

October 4, 2016December 31, 2017

Different bad is still bad.

My first Jerkface controlled my money, my looks, my words and even how I held my fork. My second Jerkface used rage and violence. It was different. But it was still bad.

September 4, 2016December 31, 2017

The worst things Jerkface ever said to me.

One night shortly after I left Jerkface for good, I was sitting alone in my dark little apartment in the fog belt of San Francisco, and I actually missed him. Why? Who the heck knows, although I suppose it was a bit of Stockholm Syndrome.

August 25, 2016December 31, 2017

When someone tells you they’re a jerk – BELIEVE THEM.

Jerkfaces give you a preview into their messed up worldview. Listen to them when they tell you they're going to be trouble.

August 16, 2016December 31, 2017

Lies Jerkfaces tell to get you back.

When a Jerkface has lost control of you (e.g., when you leave), s/he is all about getting that control back. That means Jerkfaces will say or do pretty much anything to get you back in their clutches - including pretending to understand your pain, promising never to hurt you again, even volunteering to go to therapy.

August 11, 2016December 31, 2017

No one else has to like it or understand it.

When you're being treated badly, you get to do what you want, the way you want it, in order to get your life back. No one needs to like or understand anything you do.